im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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