Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
