did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
