I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
