im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
