angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
