East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
