sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
