so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
