I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
