I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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