she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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