my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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