He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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