You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
