carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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