I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
