just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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