So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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