Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
