last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
