Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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