We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
