OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Screwed.edu
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
