I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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