you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
