Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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