i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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