Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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