Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize