The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
