imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
