That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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