I wish I could teleport
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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