No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
