Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
