i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
