You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
