I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
