I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
