i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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