i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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