if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
