just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
