If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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