I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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