The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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