Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
