Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
