I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
