I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
