if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ketchup is God's man juice
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My feet surprised me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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