just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
