I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
