Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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