Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
