No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
