yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
