There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can text with my tongue
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
