He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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