Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
