Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
