I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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