Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
