Do you still have your period?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
