Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
