i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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