His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
