the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
